I like my job... The fringe benefits are priceless: clean air to breathe...; stillness, solitude and space; an unobstructed view every day and every night of sun, sky, stars, clouds, mountains, moon, cliff rock and innocent students; a sense of time enough to let thought and feeling range from here to the end of the world and back; the discovery of something intimate - though impossible to name - in the remote. I like my job because uncivilized people live here and I see area to make revolution. I see more human effort here than luxury. I see horse helping human and Cows making human living. I see people valuing small amount of money. I see people bare foot stepping over sharp stones and sticks. I smell human sweat over the torn clothes. I see evolution here which my parents did at past because everything is thirty years back here.
I had chosen to live in such an uncultivated habitat cutting the network between friends and families. Did I make a mistake? Many people thought so, and told me in uncertain terms that I was being away from comforts that I deserved. I agreed, it was of some meanings but I had a purpose for being here. The purpose was to grow some age in the mountain, not to shrink but to become part of a wood and to see nature little closer.
This is my sojourn; I live quite far from my loved people. But as far as this heart is open and free; I am spontaneous.
Sometimes, I become aware of the immense silence in which I get lost. Not a silence so much as a great stillness - for there are a few sounds: the creak of some bird in a tree, an whirlpool of wind which passes and fades like a sigh, the ticking of the watch on my wrist - slight noises which break the sensation of absolute silence but at the same time exaggerate my sense of the surrounding, overwhelming peace, a suspension of time, a continuous present. If I look at the small device strapped to my wrist, the numbers, even the sweeping second hand, seem meaningless, almost ridiculous. Wilderness aches sometimes, it’s lonesome but it becomes urgency to reconnect with natural world. This is how natural elements become my friends. They hear my voice and I hear them, there is rhythm between us. And this is probably how I got adapted to live here.
The more I learnt about the basic human efforts, the more convinced I became with my dream and life. It was through accepting myself as an ordinary boy I got to live like bizarre.
In the persuit of composite beauty and mind
Monday, March 23, 2020
Sunday, September 29, 2013
I prefer the absences and the big empties
I prefer the absences
and the big empties
Feeling
the pure wind of flawless mountain and trees, looking deep inside the common
atmosphere,
I am astonished to realize that the pure landscapes suffocate me. But there is no curtain in my eyes
to hide the soft horizons of thoughts. I prefer the untouched land and all the edge of virgin sunshine over it.
When we look around over restless forest and leaves, we may see something of the wind that stirs it, which
comes to our nose with burning emotions..Though nature is on the whole of law unto herself in matters of
emotion and altitude, she is not a random force and does not work altogether without knowledge.
I am astonished to realize that the pure landscapes suffocate me. But there is no curtain in my eyes
to hide the soft horizons of thoughts. I prefer the untouched land and all the edge of virgin sunshine over it.
When we look around over restless forest and leaves, we may see something of the wind that stirs it, which
comes to our nose with burning emotions..Though nature is on the whole of law unto herself in matters of
emotion and altitude, she is not a random force and does not work altogether without knowledge.
A man on foot, on horseback or on a bicycle will see more,
feel more, enjoy more in one mile
than the motorized tourists can in a hundred miles.
than the motorized tourists can in a hundred miles.
The
restless Pachu, the towering Dzong, the silent Ngamayzampa, what do they have
in common? And what are
the essential differences? greatness, color, largeness, the power of the history and custom , that which lies beyond
the ability of visitors to wholly grasp or utilize, capture and write poems, these qualities are all commonly shared.
The lonesome walk benefits the feelings that are priceless, clean air to breathe. Those willows shades over us like
a delicate umbrella against the angry sun. Stillness of all pebble and wooden planks, solitude and space for passers
is this bridge. An unobstructed view every day and every night of sun, stars, clouds, moon in the sky and cliff
rock that are heavenly designed. A sense of time enough to let thoughts and feeling range from here to the end of
the world and back; the discovery of something intimate with soul of nature and man.
the essential differences? greatness, color, largeness, the power of the history and custom , that which lies beyond
the ability of visitors to wholly grasp or utilize, capture and write poems, these qualities are all commonly shared.
The lonesome walk benefits the feelings that are priceless, clean air to breathe. Those willows shades over us like
a delicate umbrella against the angry sun. Stillness of all pebble and wooden planks, solitude and space for passers
is this bridge. An unobstructed view every day and every night of sun, stars, clouds, moon in the sky and cliff
rock that are heavenly designed. A sense of time enough to let thoughts and feeling range from here to the end of
the world and back; the discovery of something intimate with soul of nature and man.
A
man come and feels something different, breaks his heart but not mountains,
rivers or trees that remains for
eternity and for next generation, they are real but we are of hope and fantasy. This is why man has tears,
heartbeat, and the sense that we are never complete but little things to think and weep. If one seal him from the
nature and isolate himself within a mind prison of his own creation then he is lost from the earth, he has never felt
the reality touch or voice of the god.
eternity and for next generation, they are real but we are of hope and fantasy. This is why man has tears,
heartbeat, and the sense that we are never complete but little things to think and weep. If one seal him from the
nature and isolate himself within a mind prison of his own creation then he is lost from the earth, he has never felt
the reality touch or voice of the god.
In unexciting sojourn I watch every sun shine
in hopes of seeing the dream. The dream is seldom seen in
flash of light that rises from the Jhomolhari like a bursting fountain at the moment when rays swells
through my broken window. It vibrates into the sky for five second and disappears; one more reason to
keep moving.
flash of light that rises from the Jhomolhari like a bursting fountain at the moment when rays swells
through my broken window. It vibrates into the sky for five second and disappears; one more reason to
keep moving.
Our world is not a patch of bliss
and changeless perfection where the human lie down and revolve around mind.
If men hear the sizzle of grasses, understand the murmur of river and look at chirping birds from nest to nest
then he belongs to universe of freedom and infinite truth. He remains a part of the environment he walks through
and that vision has no limitation or definite boundary.
If men hear the sizzle of grasses, understand the murmur of river and look at chirping birds from nest to nest
then he belongs to universe of freedom and infinite truth. He remains a part of the environment he walks through
and that vision has no limitation or definite boundary.
I am concerned with the textures and
tastes, sights and sounds, that brings me upon the zest of living in the empty
path. I like to hide those painful times
under the care of those rocks where passers steps upon it and compress under
cold ground. Sometime, letting it flow with river that has voices making melody, the stately flow up and down
on sweeping currents that touches the stones and beaches, swirling in pools, dividing against little flowery
islands, breaking sad and sorrow here and there, ever rejoicing, yet with deep solemn undertones recalling the ocean.
cold ground. Sometime, letting it flow with river that has voices making melody, the stately flow up and down
on sweeping currents that touches the stones and beaches, swirling in pools, dividing against little flowery
islands, breaking sad and sorrow here and there, ever rejoicing, yet with deep solemn undertones recalling the ocean.
I prefer absence and big empty for I knew how to see things
from my own eyes and feel from my own heart….
I
had these feelings under observation ever since my arrival at any place after
depart from my love, hoping to
learn something from it, to discover the significance in its form, to make a connection through its life with whatever
falls beyond. It is possible, in deep space, to talk with non human. Our feeling is the activity closely related to what
we call our soul. To create feelings is not absurdity; it can be one way of knowing silence, by recognizing ourselves
in the fullness of our being and certain another ways of living in this extraordinary world.
learn something from it, to discover the significance in its form, to make a connection through its life with whatever
falls beyond. It is possible, in deep space, to talk with non human. Our feeling is the activity closely related to what
we call our soul. To create feelings is not absurdity; it can be one way of knowing silence, by recognizing ourselves
in the fullness of our being and certain another ways of living in this extraordinary world.
Perfect country to be born and die
In this small country I watch every sun rise in
hopes of seeing the beautiful days ahead. I see the spectacle of
morning from the hill-top over against my peaceful house, from dawn to dusk,
with emotions which people might share. The long slight crystal of clouds
floats like eagles in the desert of hot light. The hope and inspiration to
survive strikes like a spurting fountain at the moment of each sunrise remains
for three seconds and disappears. It has always been one more reason to keep
going. I realize that peaceful country always drags us to find more and more,
it is significant to feel happy. I love Bhutan because the living cultivations are priceless:
clean air to breathe, stillness in politics, solitude and space of freedom and
containment. It has unobstructed view every day and every night of smiles,
culture, ornaments ,hills, moon and stars and so on. These are the components
enough to let thoughts and feelings range from here to the end of the world and
back; the discovery of something intimate. This is a place that I chose to live
and die for hundred reasons not only for luxury but in a necessity of the human
spirit.
Bhutan is the daughter of volcanic plates that
erupted upon the sky. Now it kisses the incense of god and relaxes in the palm
of sun. The cold wind of heaven embraced the daughter into mother nation. Herbs and medicine preceded the
vision of spirituality. The necessity of surveillance captured the eyes of
human. It created dramatic significance to the founder of truth and mediators.
Later it was sojourn to the exiled saint who was the precious jewels at whose
feet one submits popularly known as Zhabdrung Rinpochhe. Without his presence
Bhutan would never be born as a unique nation. He is a man behind every success
and unification. His vision and prayers was the root of Bhutanese strength.
Most of the custom and culture originated from him where present citizen of
Bhutan feels it should never be lost.
The happiness after depended upon wars and victory,
blood and tears. For small and land locked soil there was a need of right
leader who can visualize the peace in future. Some decades lasted with
consequences and fight and there were different opinions for the same thing.
There were attack externally and dispute internally till the birth of monarchy
and leadership.
The modernization had just pinched Bhutan when
western world were at the end of globalization but their sweats must be counted
when we can realize how we stand today. We know our ancient citizens were
restless and undefeated to make living for them and coming generation. Now
nothing is unseen if we measure the growth of developments. We can assume that
Bhutan has reached to the start point were identity is counted as nation. It
means our dragon can swim in the air of Bhutanese breath and take over the
guidance and values. Now, people continue their services, Monarchy has already
taken over the rest. When citizen has right to survive there is a touch in
people that they would do something for country and wellbeing.
This place has been gift of god, the fertile soils
kills the Bhutanese hunger. People never stopped making a valuable contribution
to the continuity of human race. The Himalayan Rivers would have produced
thousand watts of electricity before dumping into Brahmaputra. Those hilly
mountains are now curved into waves of tarries. Unlike in the past, today,
people enjoy night as equally as day with glowing bulbs and each home has at
least produced doctor and an engineer. After these what is the need in human
that compares haven lives? There is nothing greater than being lived as human.
It may go beyond of invention but it’s just of creation and for reassure. Rich
nation does not make peace full people but Bhutan being a poor country has made
every one rich and happy.
The glory that captures the Bhutanese eyes is the
hill that glows late dusk. The birds that sing and dance mountain to mountain
and return to the nest build on unknown caves. Moreover, its people who lose
their sweats for few grains that are swallowed for quite happiness. Heavens
need not be in the skies rather it can be in the land that has happiness and
the joy that takes nightmares. Bhutan has measured minimum of spiritual lives.
To those who lives for eternity, Bhutan and its custom teaches a lesson that
birth must be followed by the death.
And
the places
There are no hidden beauties and greater differences
in any places nor does it have any power of healing this lonely heart. Every
place takes a power of eyes that are in touch with inner feelings. The place
need not be crowded or designed with artificial ornaments to grab the
happiness. The reality lies in the natural peace and in the arts of god that
are most beautiful. Mostly this virgin land holds the gift of heaven and
captures the new eyes. Our joy is realizing that all of nature’s beauties exist
for our pleasure because beauty is for feeling heart. Any land on this world
has chosen its own place and takes the shape of earth. It has its own
adaptation and seasons. It chooses its own birds and animals, crops and
vegetables. Therefore, it is the simplicities in nature that are the most
soothing to our soul. Every place remains same as it did century ago but it
shows changing colours with every coming seasons with new lessons and feelings.
It tells us that we too are changing with time and space. There is a nature
never selfish for human values. There are inspirations with every act of natural
forces. The wisdom taught by it is what we hardly obtain from human.
I ask myself, would I have been a different sort of
person if I had born in Las Vegas or in concrete jungle instead of Bhutan where
every lonely nature wants to speak up. Perhaps not, but the people I have met
along the way who has greater influence would have been completely different.
The person with whom I cherished the happiness, the mates with whom I faded my
sadness and one who lightens the burden of mine would never be the same.
Mostly, to make a buck would be easy but to make a difference without teachers
would be unattainable. Therefore, the holidays I consider this life from
heaven. It is sort of a party I got to enjoy being in this beautiful hills and
mountains. This is sojourn where people pray to live before they close their
eyes to unknown world. Within a country we change a place to live and continue
learning and once I wrote it when I was in Paro:
“Through extensive coverage of mind,
looking Paro intently into its beauties; I found myself into sadness sojourn.
Walking under all the shaded willows, the melody of music in its stillness
causes no wholesome monotony of all chirping birds and creping insects. The
visitor’s passes by capturing the monster build on the hill of stable peak of
Rimpung. Its architect takes one to ancient era where people have suffered and
created miracle.
The silver lining clouds flies over the elegant town
of happiness providing rain to upset farmers. When those crops are grown into
golden yellow it dances with the tone of western wind. The soft waves are
momentous and create beauty in the eyes of those who finds the pleasure in
nature. Seasons changes and we do with the colours of feelings creating no bias
with past, we know how to live a day completely.
The moment of life all mystery and illusion
I see
crack in every sun
Unexpressed bemoan
and drunk with grief
In deep and deep
Nature are never tired
of giving human values
The motivation is created with myriads of trouble,
with the journey we travel without parents. We become little father of our own,
a mother when we cook for ourselves. Every next place had been a second home
where we knew how to live alone. Paying the rent out of empty purse and trying
to fetch someone without oneself eating.
To see the world in a grain of sand, And heaven in a wild flower
Hold infinity in the
palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour
Knowing what I was fighting for, I kept struggling
for my dream than I loosed the battle of everything. If not today I see the
world better, tomorrow it might disappear. The fact is that no one knows about
our plan and hope. Our path is always there and we go along the way we find
happiness and comforts.
12/ 5/2011
“The mountain makes man realize just how
insignificant he is. At the same time, they allow one to remain an individual
instead of being swallowed up in the crowd. Like Ruskin Bond have chosen hill
for poetic living, I also choose the hill for the purpose of writing. Being in
this simple country it was a chance to know what is best in surviving. Life
takes anywhere, like sometimes of widely, despairingly; acutely miserable,
racked with the sorrow, but though it all, I still knew quite certainly that
just to live is a grand thing. So I like living than just to survive the
breath.”
As I was able to realize what Bhutan was from the
sense that I thought Bhutan was the small place where I was grown up. That
time, I visited one faraway place and I found Bhutan in the sign board of a
shop and I asked my brother, “how come it is Bhutan again?” He explained me
that Bhutan represents the name of the country where we live in. I got
something in my head but I was not clear with my empty head. As day went on and being wide awake I came to
know what it really was. Thereafter, my reality was Bhutan and those soils I
was so well rooted with. Now as I visit every new place I feel am completing
the puzzle of Bhutan’s map. With every exploration and being encaged with each
individuals I feel new people to these place will never fade into loneliness or
get separated with the humanity because the broad smile and kindness shown by
our citizens supports the feelings of each vacationer. There is some
appreciation that I don’t ever loose knowing the people of country side. I
admire those farmers who work day and night making a valuable contribution to
the continuity of human race. I like the way they know less and makes human
life easy and desire less .There is no cocktail parties nor there is advanced
literary crowed but there is their own ways of creating happiness and living
completely with their loved one.
Daddy’s note
Daddy’s note
“I was just missing her and I felt asleep………………………….
I had to shout over sky several times asking a daughter to
read a daddy note. It was a note that I wrote it when I was in school, along
the river side and when I missed her mom during high school days. I started
sharing things with her before I met her mother. The feelings went over
sometimes giving me ache in my mind. Sometimes it was wrong to think because
the extreme crave would become a habit. My wife knew about it because all my childhood
and school days I was sharing that with her and luckily I got to marry her. Even
friends around knew it because my face book were filled with child girl images.
Some time somebody would comment me “First try to be a good father”…When the
first time doctor announced that she was pregnant, I just looked up and smiled
to the god thinking he would have given me a daughter. Crazy things went on,
talking, listening through stomach and irritating my wife.
Finally, God had listened me and I felt good when my wife
gave me the greatest gift from heaven.
The closet was already full with beautiful pink dresses,
teddy, Barbie and all the toys that I thought my daughter would enjoy some
days. I had arranged separate bed room for her designed with all white nylon clothes
hanged in princes’ decoration. I decided her name before I knew how to be a
father. She started growing in my embrace and cradle given by her grand ma. I
taught her how to say papa and when she first said it I just drank bottle of
wine because I couldn’t believe I had become a father to a daughter.
Days went on but I kept working hard for her because I never
wanted to bore her because she is not only my gift but my wish. I waited desperately
thinking when she would grow up so that she would read my note. When she turned
one year old on 27 may I didn’t know in which way I should celebrate her birth
day. I thought I will celebrate in the most expensive hotel so that she would
be impressed when she finds her first birth day image when she is grown up and
I did that.
Later, I was the happiest dad ever and I enjoyed my entire
carrier. When I was in office I used to admire my little daughter from my
screen saver which I used to keep every day. Once I was late from my office and
for excuse I went bakery to get the sweetest cake to my wife and daughter.
Before I knocked the door I smiled thinking I would surprise
my wife. I knocked the door but she didn’t open the door and I just felt she
was angry with me for being late. I shouted and said “I am sorry dear! I had a
work in the office”. Still she didn’t open the door and she gave me no voice.
So I rushed toward window and looked inside the room and saw she was deep in
sleep where baby was sucking her milk. I called her but she didn’t move but
baby cried when she heard my voice and came toward me. I thought something was
wrong with my wife and I broke the window and entered the room, rushing. I felt
something terrible, didn’t know where cake went but I held baby and went to see
my wife. I just found she was no more living for us. I couldn’t feel my feet on
the floor and I just felt blind. Her image came over my eyes like I saw her for
the first time I met her. I waited her to wake but she didn’t do. After
completely knowing that she would never wake up I called my mom after some
minutes. They rushed like a light and asked me so many questions which I didn’t
know how to answer. Within no time every one filled my room and what they could
see is just one lonely man with a child who doesn’t know what happened.
I was numb; nothing came in my brain till I finished her
bereavement. People visited me, they just said to take care and visit them
sometime for any baby help. This happened for while but when her bereavement
finished nobody came to see me and even our parents went home just leaving baby
and me. Although I used to feel so happy to get my daughter but that happiness would
not be complete when my wife was not there but I never tried to realize that
when she was with me. I use to feel that I was happy because I got my daughter and
it was wrong thoughts.
There after I came to realize how important she was for me.
I was idiot to act crazy with daughter neglecting to love her like I used to do
before. I didn’t feel her heart how she would have felt when I shifted my whole
love toward my daughter. I know she was
feeling that because once she gave me daughter she loosed her confident with me
after knowing that I was happy with daughter.
I realized that I
have tortured her inside. May be for that reason she didn’t have reason to live;
so god called her. I regret everything that I did after I got my daughter. When
I lost her it was like losing every one and even daughter was not enough. It
was good to be happy for a child but it was worst to neglect a wife for the
happiness of a child. I felt we had never decided to have baby because that was
the decision to let her go. Or I would have equalized my love with both of them
so that even when she leaves me I would have not regretted. Though I was the
best father but never the best husband.
One day I was arranging the things inside room and something
came on my head about the diary she used to hide all the time. So I just went
to her bed room which I kept as it is like she used to keep so clean. I opened
the dower and saw it. There were many notes about things that came across her life.
Some pages were filled with how lucky she was with me. She has written about
the holidays in Hawaii beaches, her pregnancy, and my love and about her
parents. One of the pages tells like this:
“You know,
You used to
talk good things with me and make me feel good all the time. You were never
selfish to share things that hurted you and make yourself feel better. Whenever
you share thing with me I kept watching your eyes that tells me your pain and
happiness more than your words. There were many wishes that you had with me but
out of many you had one common wish which was to have daughter from me. I
didn’t promise that at a time to give you a daughter but just inside me I
always asked that from god for you. I am afraid if those wish don’t become
reality and it is for sure you will dislike me for a quite. So will you promise
me if that turns out to be opposite? I can feel your desire but I will still
let you feel love because child means either boy or girl and has equal right to
be loved…..”
Love Comet
I didn’t know it that she wanted to give me a daughter. I
think she had also become happy because she could fulfill my wish but I blame
myself because despite her happiness I become selfish. Any how I was good for
her till she gave birth. She even have written about it in free time when I was
in office which says
Dear,
You were
struggling since when you saw me and I find you doing that, still. I feel
guilty to let you suffer just because I am pregnant. Although, I need your help
but you do all the works which I can also do as if I am forbidden to touch
things. I am glad dear, because at this moment, though you are so much burdened
but you never forget to show me smile. I am happy for choosing you because now
I knew you would provide me comfort when I want. I feel bad for those days that
I never tried to understand your feelings. Even when you considered me the
world I had just known you as my friend. Now I will not regret rather I will
show you wife and friend in me. I will go back to my feelings and change it now
so that I can make you complete when I am totally yours. I have no regret that
you are my husband. It would be glad for me to point you if our children ask
about my first love. Whatever pain you have gone through in the past when I was
not considering your love, now it’s my turn so that you will be happier than
me. I will not tell you because it’s already curse for me. Even if I had chosen
someone I would be happy but now I have realized that I would have never been
this much happy if I had not chosen you. I got to know about you and your love
to me. You have proven me your words. Your attitude and the ways that gives me
the breath are so living. Anyhow today I want to say that you are not changing
for me and I promise even I will not….
Love
Comet
Those letters she had written were the most unanswerable.
Thoughts went beyond the skies, baby started crying for mother’s milk and I
would just manage it from nearby milk firm which I had no option. Some months
have passed and my office leave was ending. I planned if I could find baby
sitter so that in my absence she would take care of her. I went searching for
that but I felt those people will not care my daughter. Finally I decided to call my mother to look
after so that I will work peacefully in office. My mother agreed and she helped
me a lot till she became three. Her next birth day came but I lost interest to
celebrate without her mother. I just brought a cake and lit a candle and
whispered to her but those voices turned out to be a loud cry. I just felt
incomplete and my daughter would not know how to console me because she doesn’t
know about human feelings being too young.
I thought her diary would console me and again carrying baby
in the back I started reading her final page which I didn’t read before.
Dear
Everything came to occupy you and you are
forgetting this poor lady who has become second option. When you started buying
clothes for a daughter I didn’t say anything just because I thought things will
not change. You were loving husband till I gave birth. At least you had love
for me because the baby was still inside me .Now she is out and you are holding
her as if you don’t need me. It‘s fine that you love her because she was your
wish but it doesn’t mean I don’t need your love. Look at yours self what are
you doing? Did you ever talk about making me happy? Did you ever hugged me
while leaving or coming from office after having child? I know you didn’t but
still I understand. But don’t continue
this for long because one day I will get fade up with this understanding. How
can I speak to you about this? Though I write here it doesn’t make any changes
on you because you will not read it and one day will be too late.
I still want
you beside me. I want our child in between us so that we share common love but
you are taking it as if you can feed her milk. Don’t do this. One day she would
grow up and become some ones love and that time you will have no rights to
share same love as you do now. It doesn’t mean not to love her but too much
intimacy spoils your expectation.
When you are
totally involved with her I feel I am alone in this house. I feel you are
forgetting me. Your happiness has shifted towards her. Sometimes I feel lonely
because you hardly touch me. I hope one day you will realize it and once again
come closer to me…
Love
Comet
Chapter 2
As a mother
Give time to love,
give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
Hold hands and cherish the moment for
someday that person will not be there again.
No matter how bad our heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for our grief.
The people we care about most in life are taken from us too soon. When there is
second chance it is not much exciting. Every first thing in the world is the
most valuable but when something is lost we don’t value what we have. The fate is
not counted after breaking heart into pieces. Likewise she was the most
valuable thing in my life and I loosed it to early. When she was with me I
didn’t try to find out her secret eagerly. If I had done that it could change
my life forever and I would not be going through the tunnel like this. I fell heavy not only because she was not with me but also looking at my child who has missed the warmth of her mother. I don’t know what answer I would give her if she asks about her mother but as far as I believe I thought I will let her experience mother in me. When nothing is there we live with imagination that hunts us at the end when it is not true. Every move I made after her seemed like I was dreaming. Feeding a child and letting her sleep was a hard sometimes because of her mother instinct. I cried alone with a baby and that would have allowed her soul to roam within our rooms. She might have touched the baby all the time but living and death would have become a matter of difference. Any how little days were enough for me to become a mother to a child. Sometimes I would go shouting
“ Comet
Everything you told me was a lie. It took me a long time to become the person I wanted to be for you but when I became, you left me. Though I feel sorry but sometimes we don’t show our feelings and I got to know how it would feel when it is too late to share. Forgive me if you are hearing and just ask another chance from heaven so that I will keep you hugging all my life. I know it’s impossible but I have no ways to be happy here after. Though you were one reason for me to live but it has become abstract reality. Your absence is making me more than death and I don’t know how far I will try to live with this pain.”….
The extreme emotion can do anything. It makes any one mad but for me I could do nothing out of madness. If only I was to live without her I could have gone with her but because of child I had to survive carrying this pain so long. I hated the life and my existence. The entire universe was like scary offender .The water, sunlight and dark gave me no sensation. I just focused to a little child playing in luxuries but felt those toys would be forgotten so that her adulthood would be nostalgic. Time lets one accept difficult situation but feelings never dies till our end.
My
mind was full of regrets and when everything became short even splendid moment
shared after her was incomplete. At that time I thought I will have enough time
with her but I was wrong. Though I gave enough love but still then I thought I
could give it more but
precious thought for her went unshared because I never thought someday she
would not be there again.
Comet,
Your
time has already come and I don’t know why. Last thing I heard you were doing
just fine. It seems just yesterday I was laughing with you and sharing thing
that taught me well didn’t you? Though there is nothing to regret I better be
thankful for the moment we had shared but I know you went far away that I can
never see you again. Every parts I see has started hurting me and I guess If we
think there is anything that we have, that’s ours, like you were to me… it’s
nothing but an illusion for a pain. It all disappears in one blow that never
comes again to let one feel recover. How lonely things would go is what I am
knowing from you. You taught me how to live like a human but you missed me to
teach how to live after you which is killing me softly.
I
was there for you; afraid of losing the kind of women or wife you were all the
time for me, holding on to you so tight that not a soul can touch it. I thought
by hiding it from the world, it’s hidden and it would be ours but was nothing.
Nothing ever was going to be continued. Nothing ever was living but just a
couple of memories that are bitter to think. Though it might be a curse but it
shouldn’t have been from your side. I could have accepted the panic if it was
within me but losing you has become the panic that I am not able to accept it. Now
I am insecure to re-start my lives, I cannot give it up my feelings for
you and start it over because my emotion will surely get mixed with new
feelings that I would create and that is going to scare me…..
As long as my heart goes beating, I promise I
will provide happiness to our daughter as I would do if you were living.
Missing you
Everything I had dreamed was
slipping away but a fact my daughter was living was strength to find my
existence. The little girl instantly would relax and simply laid her head on my
shoulder, motionless in pure contentment but when I feel her weight I go beyond
the touch of tears that I wept aside her. She looked me straight in the eye,
and with forcefulness that burned right into my soul, she expressed me
something that left me a different person, not only a father but mother to her.
Chapter 3
Remember to say a
kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person
soon will grow up and leave your side.
Aside the tragedy I had to make living so I started going to
office leaving a little baby in child nurturing center with insecurity inside
mind. I fill her Tiffin with hamburger and other fruits that she likes. Some
time I would send her cakes so that she would share among her friends. Sometimes
she used to complain about bigger boys who take away her lunch and I would
teach her how to adjust in such situation. Most of the time she had been the
last child to wait for her parents to get her and that always pinched me. When
I reach her campus she would run towards me with full of tears but she could say
nothing. Every time I used to ask her about her learning and she would mix up
all the songs and words that creates admiration in my eyes. Sometimes she gets
on the table and shows me the dancing steps until she is tired. But every time
I was afraid if suddenly she asks me about a mother then I will have difficult
time to explain. Therefore, I decided to inform care taker not to let her know
what mother means. It was hard time for me with such situation because I felt
my fate has become hard on her as she is not going to experience what mother
would mean. I knew one day she would realize about it and blame me but I had
things to tell her. I knew daddy note will always guide her even in her saddest
part.
My little
girl,
We must
understand that we are separated from God before every beginning. People become
choice less and they must try to adapt with it. Like your mother, I have seen
no one as beautiful as she did to my eyes. Now I have no choice. I spent
childhood with her talking how beautiful would be life if we have daughter but
now I am with my daughter and asking you “how would be a life if we had your
mother”. The dream has divided us is both wide and deep. When one was gained I
lost another and that made my life incomplete.
Incomplete
love is an emotional space where feelings are instantly drowned. To know love
we have to invest time and commitment but I got no time to prove it. I thought
that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of
bliss. I used to feel loved and receive the good feeling every time doing nothing. But after knowing
the real power of the love I transformed myself to curse a god because he tells
lie to a good people. I feel too much things and could not find a way to shut
down my brain. Sometimes when I am feeling things, I couldn’t decide exactly
what to feel. That was the trouble after all. Life made a mess of the place and
even the presence of my daughter.
“Forget it!” I always told myself. I advised myself to be
happy with little girl who stretch her arms to hold me. I tried to forgive
about my life that had ruined me. During weekends I would plan myself to visit
our parents and come with more courage to live like a strong man. Sometimes I
would meet my childhood friends in street and they would unknowingly ask me
about my wife and looking at my face they would say “did I hurt you” and I
would say, “No but a quit uncertain”. Explaining them brings back all the
memories that I was trying to forget but I couldn’t escape because they need to
know.
One day I was sick and no one was there aside my girl to
look after me. I was sleeping on the carpet to cool myself. Little girl was
playing with her toys but she disappeared after sometime. I woke up and was
trying to see where she went. I reached the door but it was locked from inside.
I thought that she went to her room but I heard something in the kitchen and I
rushed toward it. Something happen for the first time, I saw maturity and her
mother in her. She was trying hard to reach kitchen table. I asked what she was
doing and she said, “Papa I want to prepare tea for you”. I said “you can” but
my eyes were already full of unstopped tears. I didn’t know why human has to
feel too much. I don't
want to be the one who says life is beautiful but I wanted to be the one who
feels it because every time I was feeling more than life provides. Little girl
became something that inspired me after my wife. I thought she is replaced in
some extend though joy are never at optimum.
Luckily I felt the growth in my girl and it bounced me to
next door of happiness that father could find himself. I was looking on to
those chairs, table and home settings that remained as it is. My wife had
bought a puppy doll that used to bark till it finishes its charge and still I
kept charging but I could feel even artificial machines would be tired. I
looked away from window and I saw those willows had grown so wide that it
couldn’t give shade to the one who has planted and I was just writing how that
tree might have felt
Dear planter
I looked at
you when you first put me in the ground and I said to myself “I promise god, I
will shade this kind lady”. I felt freshness every day when you watered me.
Sometimes you used to murmur about my growth and wish “when will this willow
grow taller so that I would spent my tired weekends with coke”. Just now I
don’t see you when I am capable of fulfilling your wish. What I see is the
stillness of your home. I don’t see someone early in the morning wiping the
dust and keeping curtain open. I miss those smells of your room coming to my
breath. I used to dance with your music and smile with your care to your
husband. You were kind of lady that world must preserve but they paid less for
you and made every one lonely. I wish you were there for me so that I would
shade you with joy taking the radiation myself. I have no hope all days but
what I see is the pain in both human you have left in this home.
“Nature is not always kind and human too”
I felt Contemporary sadness but kind of proud that I could
feel the feelings of nature. Life just brought me empty but all chapters were
feelings and meaning. The story of my life just became the moral of my life and
I just went searching the thing I have never found.
Chapter 4
Let all be lost. Let them
take away everything. As long as you have your heart beating strong, as long as
you have your nostrils working fine, as long as the blood flows in your veins,
you will live, you will breathe and you can get it all back… again and again.
For, if you can do it once, you can damn well do it again. It’s just a game we
play – Life.
By
Rohit Wadhwaney
Tragedy happens and we become thrust of pinch inside every nerve
but why not people drink water was the thought ruling me. Even if there is
courage after drinking in a bar it would not let me speak because there is no
one to listen. I thought I can make another chance to live where I would never
be in depth of life. I would find pleasure looking just into my own valley that
would seem greener if I really find the truth within. Preparing meals and washing
clothes like a mom for a little girl. Every sunshine would be meaningful if I
find time to clean household and do some gardening that can bear beautiful
flower in every season. Going for drive and feed an ice cream to an angel who
can occupy me after her. Life will surely be good if I don’t think what had
happened and I thought that will give freedom to go ahead. I knew god can never
listen even if someone is going to die himself. A sky lies beyond but we see it
most and this foot never knows where mind would take. Making a choice is not
the best idea but creating ideas will be less hard. I thought we cannot be born
several times to change the hardest things in life.
I wanted to forget how I met her in primary school, wanted
to erase those beautiful words she had spoken to my ears. I wanted if those
touch and intimacy would fade in the wings of time but it was not happening
like I imagined. When my daughter comes and closed my eyes from the back I
would think if it was her mother but those wish would not be good for a little
one if she comes to know. So I decided to look at those dreamy eyes of my girl
like I used to see in my wife. Listening her heart beats that one day would
look after me and the breath she takes while in her deep sleep would become
softer when I am too weak. My mind used to revolve around my room, sometimes
taking her diary and read,
U know,
Apart of
everything in my mind there is something that I cannot say with courage. Women
are for that weakness in every love she makes and that becomes the most
painful. But look at me it is happening differently and I guess you don’t know
that because you came in my life like I was in need of you. I know you fell in
love with me and you kept on following my foot print where I was selfish to
look at you. It pinches my mind every day because you would say the things that
were always in my eyes and I hate that. Most probably I blamed myself because I
saw you suffering in each words I said but don’t know why you felt it so good.
You tell me that you like to be in pain because there is reason to live but I
am too weak to be in pain. I don’t know why tear comes in my eyes when I think
about you. When you are far away I just
think if I can be in your arm and cry as much as I can and let you know I am
also in love with you and may be more than you do. Those times never came and I
am just hoping one day life will be easier for both of us because I will marry
not other than you which I promised in front of the god. Once it was easy for
me to let you go but now even if everyone goes and if you are there for me I
can survive completely. I just think I will bring back all the happiness for
you because I had let you feel the worst of all my love. I have seen the truth
in your eyes that used to confuse me all the time. I may not love the way you
expect but I will do from what I understand and I hope you will like it because
I will never be selfish even if you go wrong.
There is a
reason why I miss you every second. Our distance might be so far but I am in
touch with your heartbeats that are missing me. Though time were less those
time but it’s me who failed to live completely even when you were trying your
best. What to do I was afraid to fall in love with you because I felt I would
hurt my parents if I do in such young age. Though I was innocent and stubborn
to your feelings but today what I understand is that you were the right one who
fell for me. It’s not a joke for me anymore as I have known you more than I knew
myself.
Today I am
missing you and I do not know what feelings are meant to be. I just feel you
were with me hugging me and telling stories of great love.
Your comet
If I had seen such words I would reply it before and give
her courage to all roots of her love. If only I had known that she used to love
me when we were far away once then I would have never hurt myself in silence.
But god played a good role in my silence to let her fall in love with me even
though I never knew it unless after several years. I just used to feel that it
was one sided love. Even when I was damn down to earth I used to feel happy and
contend for what I considered her. I just met her and felt good to love her.
She went away and I loved in distance without any words. This was the time I
used to write a letter called “life after you” which is titled with “my first
love, whom I call my wife”. It was hardest of time and the best of the wisdom.
This period taught me more than anyone could teach me. World was going around
all the time giving me the best touch of the days. Living such life with one
who let us experience a love is the best surviving I ever found.
I think I will not write it more, because I have not loosed
her, she didn’t die and yet I have never seen my daughter because I am not
married. I am just trying to know how important she is for me if I lose her.
Though I want daughter but I have known myself that even if I have it is not
going to fill my happiness. I think a lot about my wife and I don’t know how
she does for me so no more fairies because future might become what I have
never thought. To be continued,,,,,
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