Thursday, September 26, 2013

Secret love letters to my Comet

Dear comet,
You were miracle of my life like promising spring and colorful autumn. If you ask your benefits, simple words can never explain how much I knew how to live .I want to thank you as you let me experience love. Life was little but enough for having you in my mind though you were oblivion to my love and emotions. I needed you so badly but you even didn’t give me enough time to say goodbye. Thereafter I was so lifeless to anyone who passed by me and even single moment was not favorable. You know I survived as usual but internally I was dying. When I missed you it was almost to the last breath which was more than death. Several time I wanted to go away from you but I found coming closer each days with same shaded feelings. Sometimes I looked at myself for the truth that I have given for you but not letting you know everything was what I liked within myself. Better than telling you I thought I would chose silence and I did too long. These silences were my strength to love you without your return.
“When I am nearby you I fight and become idiot and I get courage to say nothing but when you fade and take two steps away from my eyes you make me talk a lot. Your face and your innocence is just like a baby that I miss too much. You know, in your absence I close my eyes and I tend to forget the world. I am afraid to look at you when you are near but when you are away that face tortures me and stops my breath. I think being in a love is to become poor minded.” I used to think
Even god must be crazy for loving you distanced and letting me go loner when the world is with someone. Its ok I have accepted because love should happen only one time with vital feelings and attachment where nothing can hypnotize and take away the courage to love the one. Now I have enough reasons why I couldn’t forget you. It was the craziest of the feelings that I came across where I used to question myself. I know how my heart used to palpitate. I know how I used to feel when someone dated in front of me. I wished if there was a magic to hear your voice. I wished you were standing in front of me giving your shoulder to let me cry over and over.
Yes dear, it never happened, it was mysterious, the wishes that were never answered. Still I kept going for what I have not been but always my love for you was just like a moment that I first loved you. I thought love would be something romantic and desire less but it was empty and nothingness. Love was the truest wisdom and experiences to hold ourselves knowing how to see our own images through the eyes of our mind and holding the pain like a loveliest happiness.

Today I ask myself, “do I need love” but I fade into your memories that was never enough. Even after many years being with you I never could know you for me but my love was just give and give. Silences were more than enough when I could feel true love and I never wanted you anymore.
I don’t know dear, I really care you for what you are. I don’t even have courage to touch you that is why I am afraid to come closer. I feel your presence is enough to feel your love because I remember some days I have been without you. I know I have been very poor to provide your needs and happiness but I was left with lots of questions. I wish if you had given me the choice but your untold mystery had dragged me till your feet and I am unable to say you many things. If god has his own story for me then one may come and replace you to make me go with life.

“I may never find other than you. Even if you go far away hurting me and god gives me chance to meet you again, even knowing this sadness awaits me I will fall in love with you again” No mater, though life is sad with each heartbreaks but I will make good reason that I got to experience love from you. For people and to your own self there may be mistakes in you but the way I defined you is so pure and true. Though I will never be with you but don’t know why your single words mean a lot to me. Your tears sinks me, your smile makes my day happy and complete. Sometimes I wish I had never met you, wish you have never touched my heart in this depth. But I take this pain and sorrow as little human being because you too need someone to care and love .What if I was not there for you? You would have faded with loneliness but I never wanted that in you. You will never know my influence. You never tried to know your life was important to other but you will know it when I am no more in your life. You may know one day that I was caring you like a little pet.
I can assume my future because difficult days are yet to come. I know how I will sink with ashes of dream and expectation. That day will hurt me when I see you holding others hand. Every day I try to find answers from you and your love but as I go further life is changing my questions. Especially I being a seeker of silence and truth every moment are becoming like a junction not knowing which way I should follow. But I tell my motives to hold my innocent love. If I can love you with my young heart then why not with grownups mind? Though there are no miracles and comfort but this hard journey has always defined me as strong man.”

“Being with you I have seen many seasons changing colors and years rolling like a shooting stars that shows up for a moment but my love for you was like I loved you in first glance and it’s for eternal”.

“You can take my childhood and my first love, you can find the corners of my heart, you can take those colors of memories and my empty shoulders because you might find yourself within me. Sometimes I wish I have never felt you. Wish I have told you at first glance and have got rejected. Or I shouldn’t have known too much about you. Knowing the influence over a time and creating fairy mind in your absence everything magnified. Finding my own solution to your offend and few rejection had even made me strong. I have created the moment with you, be it be trough of against my love but I could not give it to anyone. It was better sometimes to be away from you than making myself lonely with you. I never assumed how much you would love me if I can show you my trust but what I did it was, I just choose silence for quite years thinking I would never hurt after telling I love you. I have never expected or forced you to look at my heart that was going through pain. I know I followed you when you were not ready but I didn’t let you know I was following you.
With my love I never wanted to be curse for you or give you burden as you were studying hard. You were concern about your high school performance. You asked my notes and shared those thick text books which were heavy for you to carry from home. I still appreciate the way you waited me when school were over. Bringing my bag, Tiffin and umbrella on the corridor when I was attending my club period was what I liked about you because it didn’t let me go to the class and get my things. You also avoided your own best girlfriend to walk together from school to home. Although we were not for each other at that time but friendship we shared was complete. I don’t know how far I could complete you but I think I didn’t make you go alone when you were away from your parents. Love came on the journey, fighting, laughing and sharing those things which were pleasant for young heart. It started from Catching hand when you were not able to climb up, singing songs which were favorite at a time. Throwing paper to each other’s head, sharing sweets and chits has built our trust. In the middle you were sick and you didn’t turn up to school for days and I was waiting eagerly to ask how you were. Though I have lost what I have written but feelings were like this:
14 may 2006
“Dear comet,
“I am becoming idiot because you didn’t tell me you were sick. I didn’t even notice your symptom when you were nearby me.  Next day I waited to see you like I did before but even after second bell your chair was empty and you never appeared from the way I always used to look you. I asked your friends about your absence but they had no idea. I couldn’t ask your brother because I was least confident. This morning has been hard for me because I couldn’t see someone who used to make my school day. I know how I stood on window pane and stared up on the hill that you used to come like a small kid carrying ash color striped with red bag, hanging pack lunch, playing with puppy on the way, sometime laughing with friends. I couldn’t believe why today day was hard for me; my friends would have not known why I was not moving from window even when they said me to move when they were cleaning class. I hated the wind that blew over my face, students that came from her way and even the last person to arrive school compound. When it was time for prayer my leg didn’t move and I asked my friend to stay with me inside the class so that your absence would not hurt me in gathering. I didn’t share with my friend and I pretended to be sick. He told me if he could ask permission from class teacher so that I can go to hospital. I said no because somehow studies was important for me too.
Somehow, lunch break stroked and I visited your class to find why you were not there. At a glance I saw one paper on your teachers table and I rushed to see it. My god! It was your leave application written by your brother saying you went for check up. Your leave was till your recovery and I thought I would miss you tomorrow and till you arrive. It made me sad not because you were not there but because you were sick and I was helpless. That time I thought of writing something on your desk but friends would think me crazy so I came outside as if I wanted to shout outside but I didn’t. I went above football ground where there are prayer flags dancing with winds, I felt different with blue sky and cloud that ran over my school. The noise that came from basketball court and children playing nearby me disturbed my sad mind. I didn’t even bother the next period where we are supposed to cite a stanza without looking. I had memorized but I started forgetting even after knowing the teacher would fix me. Keeping everything behind I became senseless. . The day went on, time kept on revolving and I just kept watching your image within my mind.  I just consoled myself telling that life will be difficult without you”.
 There after I knew how much I want you in my life and each moment. I came to realize what my mind was doing with you though my heart didn’t understand. I felt I was falling in love with you more and more. . The day went on, time kept on revolving and I just kept watching your image within my mind.  I just can’t tell you how I felt that morning and I feel you will not believe if I tell you because this is just one sided love and one day you will know only if you fall in love with me again…”

Feelings were quite complicated to explain which I can still feel if I look through window with cold wind. If I see clouds I go back with that memories and every time I tried to escape that because it’s too hard for me. As I grew up and knew few stories about true love I felt lucky because I too have someone whom I was fallen. I heard, in true relation there is one who loves more but in my case, until you turned after years I was only the one, just empty.  Even after when you came back to school after your recovery and check up I could not share how I felt without you. You came with spectacle and I was shock seeing you different and beautiful because I was already double battery. When I approached you there was no excitement in you to see me like I did to see you, may be for you I was just as many. My question made no difference about your absence and you told me that you were just sick as if I had not bothered you. It was just fine for me as I always knew you don’t care me like I do. If you had acted rude on me after knowing I love you then it would be different for me to feel but not letting you was my other hand courage even when you didn’t bother me. Though it used to hurt me but I had understanding about your side as you were doing it for your friend who never told you how much he loved you.
Sometimes I feel even if I had told you about my love at that time you would never accept me. You would have avoided me and experience different life in future. I would have become someone whom you have met once in life that you have no feelings. Or you might have never talked with me anymore after and kept a concept that I am a freaky guy with attitude that you never liked. Any how it didn’t happen just because of my silence. I keep on loving until you melted your heart with this poor guy whom you thought you would never fall in love. Don’t you?..............

Next chapter
Nothing has to remind about loved one. Even when one tries to forget, there is extra remembrance. When someone hides true love it satisfied oneself because he is content about his love and becoming used to pain and loneliness. Truly, loves becomes subconscious over a time and we don’t find a day where we have escaped them from thinking or missing if they have been away. Little things become stories, single touch can affect whole eternity and single mind can think more than its capacity. How wonderful is to experience love from the one who lets us experience love. How kind is to love the one who never loves in return or never say I love you even when they are attached with our heart. It is absolutely like swinging together and not letting other know how wonderful you felt so close. This all are magical phenomenon that one should never escape knowing how it would pinch your dream.
We never know the influence over a time. We cannot measure how strong we can become from a love that always racks. Here is a letter for her associated with this feeling and written at a time.

I don’t want to make fake promises and hurt you when you finally understand my love because I am getting rid of everything. Whatever I did, I thought a bit carefully and that genuine kindness was through your love. Feeling hard each moment putted me forward and I never told you I was becoming used to pain and loneliness. There were many crises I got to face and I could always handle with courage and good purpose, as I knew, one day you would find me in same track. Like before I needed no change for you because I decided to die young in your heart. Even though our future was far but I could imagine my fatherhood. Those stupid dreams had made me laugh because I could not escape becoming your husband. I used enjoy some stolen thought from god between you and me before it was time and I even became good father. Thinking takes us both space of time and I was solely attached with you though I never touched you.
Every way I was noticing, people cursing marriage.  People talked, “it’s hard after being with another soul” and I was bit younger to think why they tell such things. It was reminder for me before I hurt you. I wished to those empty skies that it would not be cursed to me one day.
It has been almost a decade knowing everything within myself with least courage to explain her how I used to feel. Sometime I just thought from her side how she would be feeling about me when she knows about my silence. I had guilt that I was hiding everything from her. Even when it was eleventh year, I have not proposed her and that would have hurt her because by then she truly loved me or may be more than I did. It holds me strong that even not sharing my feelings she knew me more than I knew about her. There is happiness in sharing and knowing each other was what I thought. I planned I will never hide or wait to tell something special to her. Since she loves me she might be expecting my words that would comfort her so I was sharing those things to her:
“Till date it has been eleven years that my blood and heart is pumping in your memories. I was stupid because in a year I would have spent only two days with you. Since I have not dated with you alone I would have got at least three hours in a day with you accompanied with your parents because I never took you out. When your parents were near I would have spent time just talking about our health, my studies and just about your family which consumed at least one hours alone with drinking tea. Therefore, if I had spent one hour with you in a day than in a year I had spent two hours in a year which means I had spent only twenty two hours in eleven years which is crazy. If I had courage to take you out and could have talked our secret I would be proud for those complete moments but it didn’t happen. Just with those few moment memories I learned to live those eleven years without your presence. This is how I knew how one becomes used to pain and loneliness. I was searching happiness by thinking that I must be content for the love I was giving every day. Every moment I was trying to hide things from you because even If I had told you about how much I miss you, you would not have sympathy on me because my love was not going through your brain. When I couldn’t explain, you never knew my inner things and that made me silent even when you were interested on me. Though I knew one can never understand what others feel inside, even though I became selfish to my love as if it was a cursed for me.
 I became sick of everything and just running miles and shouting became my medicine. Whenever I called you and couldn’t tell you so many things I just blamed myself for still awaiting the hurt inside. That continued so long without sharing the things that would make you happier about my love but instead I made a pause and kept saying “one day” that I never knew it will come or not. But now I knew that one must express things to the one who also cares equally because they would also feel the same. I don’t know what type of pleasure I had in keeping good things secret. Actually I was waiting for a situation to tell one day when you have similar feelings because people can never take many things at once.
Some time you have asked me “did you miss me” and I always said no but I was lying just because I was used to it. My love for you reached so high in the sky without telling the things that I should tell before I swing my first wing but I kept flying and flying just for you. I know, silently you would have expected every time but every time I was thinking not to tell because word didn’t matter for me but I was just expecting you to know my silence.
I heard many things about not expecting love in return and I guess I was just following it. But that made me strong enough to love you but also let you go and these things were not good for you that I came to know from your tears. I am just luckier as I still have you inside me which I feel one day I would call you my wife. Now it’s not only my dream but yours too but it is matter of time that haven’t occur and that always scares me and drag me to think beyond my capacity but those higher imagination is the topic of fight with you as you are not thinking that.

Dear comet
I know I have been the curse in your life because I kept on flowing you. You had to overcome fear and risk in front of your relatives to convince them that I was just a friend. It’s true that I have seen courage in you and that has made me more aware of you. At that time when you were stuck to speak, I tried to tell you about me being a problem for you but I stop myself seeing your eyes that wanted me. You might have felt hard time managing me but those struggles I enjoyed because I couldn’t make any one more than you. While I was writing daddy note I came to realize how important you would be in my life if I lose whom I was in need. I thought you have something to say when you said nothing at a time when I was speaking and I kept listening to your heart beats. I guess you had preserved truth and may be you were into my heart knowing love keeps someone going. I don’t know why that first touch was the deepest for me that I kept on believing. It must have created no difference even if you were not the loveliest lady for me but I always knew much difference after holding you for a long time. Just sometimes I thought, “Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place”. It was just a true statement which I felt several times but ultimately what I believed is that it doesn’t fade when that person needs us as equally. I just covered up my feelings that you care me and want to love me and I started cursing times that never allow me to be with you.
You are leaving just now, a train has already begun to fade away from my sight and I am crying with mom. I know it’s just till Friday I was complete, but now m all alone  and I'm not being able to hold you, kiss you, or even fight……………. though I hide my tears from you because I wanted you to go so you can relax and just get away from shit for a while and focus on your studies... it’s been almost some hours since I last spoke to you and in the past hour, I have never gone that deep without hearing your voice, or reading fresh texts. I have no idea how I’m going to cope with you gone. I’m going to make a list to try to keep myself busy so my brain might rest from you swimming around in it non-stop. I highly doubt it’ll work, but it’s worth a try? I miss you so much babe. I hope you are having a good time,,,look outside, its beautiful sceneries moving just opposite to are approaching somewhere but becoming far from me…some are passing stool he3 ; I miss you and wish you were here with me still. I was thinking about you and wanted you to know how much you are loved and missed… but don’t cry.

Remember how I told you I have a million thoughts going through my head at every second of every day? Well, you are always my main thought and every other thought in my head revolves around you. I think of "our" new life together, every second of every day. I just want you to know that I do want to get married and make you my child’s mom as you wrote me (I felt soo good with that sms) and I can't think of a better person to marry than you. I can't honestly tell you where I'd be right now if I didn't have you. Since I've met you, I've been so happy. If I don't have you, I have nothing, so why not fight for the only thing I do have that means anything at all! You are my world; you consume my every thought, word and whisper. You are there ... you are always there, and always will be. I will never let you go, I'd rather die first.

I've been alone my whole life and I'm tired of searching, I will look no further. If I can't be with you, I don't want to be with anyone. You complete me, there's no longer an empty, meaningless space. I thank you for that, for you will never know how much you mean or how much you are needed. You are the reason I get out of bed every day, you are the reason I have something to look forward to in my life. You are my every need and want. When I fantasize, I think of you, my every intimate thought consists of you. I hope you are as happy as I am. I would do anything to make you as happy as you've made me! Baby, you make my life worthwhile and I will effortlessly try to smile when you are sad. We will try to make every second as our best moment in life. Don’t worry when we fight because we have grown love and that is a reason why we go silent just for a moment but we should know how to come back and smile.
I must confess that in some ways I feel insufficient. My mind is questioned; can I match your gentleness? Can I give you feelings as warm and secure as the ones you have bestowed on me? You have chosen to show me such strong passion and confident debate combined with secure sweet affection, that I can only hope with time you feel a glimpse of the same emotions from me. Just feel free to hit me because when your hand hits me I feel the pain of love not hatred. Don’t just pick a things and heat or show anger to pots and fry pan (do u remember..). Sorry actually I was not supporting Child rapist but making a point that he might have touched and became illegal ….but any how its inhuman which I am wrong to support……..buza na …
Perhaps this is the chance for us to experience the passion in each other. The most important thing is that this is not our first love experience and one thing we must understand is that, in every relationship, whether old or new, we're sure to experience some problems but it's up to us to solve them. These are some of the things that might break our warm relationship and everything we are planning ahead of us. We need to understand each other and try to have the trust that will make this relationship work. I know you want this to work as much as I do and I still have my hopes up, never giving up on you. Let me tell you this thing that I believe in a real relationship: "It doesn't take beauty to make a relationship but the heart and the mind." I know what I've seen in you and have a special reason of choosing you. Guys are never the same, maybe some times you might think we think alike but the heart shows all the difference..
For now, I know sorry is just a word, but for what it's worth I am very sorry if I hurt you. You also cause me pains too but it has become easy for me to forgive you.  Now you also know what I want from you, you know my choice of living and being simple as far as possible but please I want both of your hands. …….

After getting to know you better, and going through all the tough times together in this many years that has made us stronger, I now know I am in a place I have never been before. I'm in a place that is calm and peaceful, but exciting and thrilling, all at the same time. This place is neither a state of mind, nor just one of physical being. It is a place where my soul flies. It is a place I share with you everything so confidently….without hesitation because there is no such mistakes I have made without you.
 I'm in a place where, when bad things happen, I know that you'll be there to provide comfort and make the world right again with your simple and honest smile, or with your soft caress of my hand.

This place that I hold in my heart for you is precious beyond words. You are there, and I am a better man because of it. When you hold me in your arms, I'm in a place that I never want to leave, and I pray it is a place I never have to leave. Just know that when you hold me in your arms, I am in the safest, most treasured place in the world.

The place that I am in now is the best of all. I see you as someone I can trust, confide in, play with and enjoy life with. You make me so happy. I can't begin to describe how you really make me feel so I will offer just this: I love you…..plz ur body is mine..All right reserved because mine is yours……

I will miss you, my comet. I will look to June as the only page on the calendar that is my favorite month, because that is when I will be in your arms again. Yes, I will miss you and can't wait till you come home to be able to wrap my arms around you and hold you close to my heart. Please forgive my foolish words and girlish heart. Accept them as tokens of the emotions you inspire in me. I will wait anxiously to be with you again. Until then you are in my heart, and in my mind, and I will ache until your return, with a yearning that can only be satisfied by your loving arms and warm kisses.

My new thoughts are coming up for you again. I am experiencing happiness from your side. I am just knowing what peace of mind means which I have never felt before. You see in my eyes, you will find different vision and feelings. Ask my heart it will explain something different but it will never say I am hurting inside. Though there are some instincts inside me which are painful but I am trying to erase it. Even if it doesn’t go it will still be my reasons because loving a person is always hard. Despite of this innocent mind I would have not reached this phase of success with my love. I know I have taken courage and hope for making you my girl and most perfectly I would thank you for your journey in knowing me. You have walked with me and been part of me most of my childhood days and I see you still looking good days ahead with me. This brings me joy and promises where I can still continue to look for better world and best place to be with you.
Still my love is priceless; you will still feel my efforts and secret support. I have seen as many things I have to see and I also respect what you still want to be as a women. Our wishes may not be full of success but I know we will work hard towards it and act as if we were born for each other. You know we have been talking about parents and children like a soul mate. It’s true that we have been together so long but still it is not enough even knowing too deep and that is one of the greatest gift we have for each other.


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