“I was just missing her and I felt asleep………………………….
I had to shout over sky several times asking a daughter to read a daddy note. It was a note that I wrote it when I was in school, along the river side and when I missed her mom during high school days. I started sharing things with her before I met her mother. The feelings went over sometimes giving me ache in my mind. Sometimes it was wrong to think because the extreme crave would become a habit. My wife knew about it because all my childhood and school days I was sharing that with her and luckily I got to marry her. Even friends around knew it because my face book were filled with child girl images. Some time somebody would comment me “First try to be a good father”…When the first time doctor announced that she was pregnant, I just looked up and smiled to the god thinking he would have given me a daughter. Crazy things went on, talking, listening through stomach and irritating my wife.
Finally, God had listened me and I felt good when my wife gave me the greatest gift from heaven.
The closet was already full with beautiful pink dresses, teddy, Barbie and all the toys that I thought my daughter would enjoy some days. I had arranged separate bed room for her designed with all white nylon clothes hanged in princes’ decoration. I decided her name before I knew how to be a father. She started growing in my embrace and cradle given by her grand ma. I taught her how to say papa and when she first said it I just drank bottle of wine because I couldn’t believe I had become a father to a daughter.
Days went on but I kept working hard for her because I never wanted to bore her because she is not only my gift but my wish. I waited desperately thinking when she would grow up so that she would read my note. When she turned one year old on 27 may I didn’t know in which way I should celebrate her birth day. I thought I will celebrate in the most expensive hotel so that she would be impressed when she finds her first birth day image when she is grown up and I did that.
Later, I was the happiest dad ever and I enjoyed my entire carrier. When I was in office I used to admire my little daughter from my screen saver which I used to keep every day. Once I was late from my office and for excuse I went bakery to get the sweetest cake to my wife and daughter.
Before I knocked the door I smiled thinking I would surprise my wife. I knocked the door but she didn’t open the door and I just felt she was angry with me for being late. I shouted and said “I am sorry dear! I had a work in the office”. Still she didn’t open the door and she gave me no voice. So I rushed toward window and looked inside the room and saw she was deep in sleep where baby was sucking her milk. I called her but she didn’t move but baby cried when she heard my voice and came toward me. I thought something was wrong with my wife and I broke the window and entered the room, rushing. I felt something terrible, didn’t know where cake went but I held baby and went to see my wife. I just found she was no more living for us. I couldn’t feel my feet on the floor and I just felt blind. Her image came over my eyes like I saw her for the first time I met her. I waited her to wake but she didn’t do. After completely knowing that she would never wake up I called my mom after some minutes. They rushed like a light and asked me so many questions which I didn’t know how to answer. Within no time every one filled my room and what they could see is just one lonely man with a child who doesn’t know what happened.
I was numb; nothing came in my brain till I finished her bereavement. People visited me, they just said to take care and visit them sometime for any baby help. This happened for while but when her bereavement finished nobody came to see me and even our parents went home just leaving baby and me. Although I used to feel so happy to get my daughter but that happiness would not be complete when my wife was not there but I never tried to realize that when she was with me. I use to feel that I was happy because I got my daughter and it was wrong thoughts.
There after I came to realize how important she was for me. I was idiot to act crazy with daughter neglecting to love her like I used to do before. I didn’t feel her heart how she would have felt when I shifted my whole love toward my daughter. I know she was feeling that because once she gave me daughter she loosed her confident with me after knowing that I was happy with daughter.
I realized that I have tortured her inside. May be for that reason she didn’t have reason to live; so god called her. I regret everything that I did after I got my daughter. When I lost her it was like losing every one and even daughter was not enough. It was good to be happy for a child but it was worst to neglect a wife for the happiness of a child. I felt we had never decided to have baby because that was the decision to let her go. Or I would have equalized my love with both of them so that even when she leaves me I would have not regretted. Though I was the best father but never the best husband.
One day I was arranging the things inside room and something came on my head about the diary she used to hide all the time. So I just went to her bed room which I kept as it is like she used to keep so clean. I opened the dower and saw it. There were many notes about things that came across her life. Some pages were filled with how lucky she was with me. She has written about the holidays in Hawaii beaches, her pregnancy, and my love and about her parents. One of the pages tells like this:
You used to talk good things with me and make me feel good all the time. You were never selfish to share things that hurted you and make yourself feel better. Whenever you share thing with me I kept watching your eyes that tells me your pain and happiness more than your words. There were many wishes that you had with me but out of many you had one common wish which was to have daughter from me. I didn’t promise that at a time to give you a daughter but just inside me I always asked that from god for you. I am afraid if those wish don’t become reality and it is for sure you will dislike me for a quite. So will you promise me if that turns out to be opposite? I can feel your desire but I will still let you feel love because child means either boy or girl and has equal right to be loved…..”
I didn’t know it that she wanted to give me a daughter. I think she had also become happy because she could fulfill my wish but I blame myself because despite her happiness I become selfish. Any how I was good for her till she gave birth. She even have written about it in free time when I was in office which says
You were struggling since when you saw me and I find you doing that, still. I feel guilty to let you suffer just because I am pregnant. Although, I need your help but you do all the works which I can also do as if I am forbidden to touch things. I am glad dear, because at this moment, though you are so much burdened but you never forget to show me smile. I am happy for choosing you because now I knew you would provide me comfort when I want. I feel bad for those days that I never tried to understand your feelings. Even when you considered me the world I had just known you as my friend. Now I will not regret rather I will show you wife and friend in me. I will go back to my feelings and change it now so that I can make you complete when I am totally yours. I have no regret that you are my husband. It would be glad for me to point you if our children ask about my first love. Whatever pain you have gone through in the past when I was not considering your love, now it’s my turn so that you will be happier than me. I will not tell you because it’s already curse for me. Even if I had chosen someone I would be happy but now I have realized that I would have never been this much happy if I had not chosen you. I got to know about you and your love to me. You have proven me your words. Your attitude and the ways that gives me the breath are so living. Anyhow today I want to say that you are not changing for me and I promise even I will not….
Those letters she had written were the most unanswerable. Thoughts went beyond the skies, baby started crying for mother’s milk and I would just manage it from nearby milk firm which I had no option. Some months have passed and my office leave was ending. I planned if I could find baby sitter so that in my absence she would take care of her. I went searching for that but I felt those people will not care my daughter. Finally I decided to call my mother to look after so that I will work peacefully in office. My mother agreed and she helped me a lot till she became three. Her next birth day came but I lost interest to celebrate without her mother. I just brought a cake and lit a candle and whispered to her but those voices turned out to be a loud cry. I just felt incomplete and my daughter would not know how to console me because she doesn’t know about human feelings being too young.
I thought her diary would console me and again carrying baby in the back I started reading her final page which I didn’t read before.
Everything came to occupy you and you are forgetting this poor lady who has become second option. When you started buying clothes for a daughter I didn’t say anything just because I thought things will not change. You were loving husband till I gave birth. At least you had love for me because the baby was still inside me .Now she is out and you are holding her as if you don’t need me. It‘s fine that you love her because she was your wish but it doesn’t mean I don’t need your love. Look at yours self what are you doing? Did you ever talk about making me happy? Did you ever hugged me while leaving or coming from office after having child? I know you didn’t but still I understand. But don’t continue this for long because one day I will get fade up with this understanding. How can I speak to you about this? Though I write here it doesn’t make any changes on you because you will not read it and one day will be too late.
I still want you beside me. I want our child in between us so that we share common love but you are taking it as if you can feed her milk. Don’t do this. One day she would grow up and become some ones love and that time you will have no rights to share same love as you do now. It doesn’t mean not to love her but too much intimacy spoils your expectation.
When you are totally involved with her I feel I am alone in this house. I feel you are forgetting me. Your happiness has shifted towards her. Sometimes I feel lonely because you hardly touch me. I hope one day you will realize it and once again come closer to me…
As a mother
Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. Hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.No matter how bad our heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for our grief. The people we care about most in life are taken from us too soon. When there is second chance it is not much exciting. Every first thing in the world is the most valuable but when something is lost we don’t value what we have. The fate is not counted after breaking heart into pieces. Likewise she was the most valuable thing in my life and I loosed it to early. When she was with me I didn’t try to find out her secret eagerly. If I had done that it could change my life forever and I would not be going through the tunnel like this.
I fell heavy not only because she was not with me but also looking at my child who has missed the warmth of her mother. I don’t know what answer I would give her if she asks about her mother but as far as I believe I thought I will let her experience mother in me. When nothing is there we live with imagination that hunts us at the end when it is not true. Every move I made after her seemed like I was dreaming. Feeding a child and letting her sleep was a hard sometimes because of her mother instinct. I cried alone with a baby and that would have allowed her soul to roam within our rooms. She might have touched the baby all the time but living and death would have become a matter of difference. Any how little days were enough for me to become a mother to a child. Sometimes I would go shouting
Everything you told me was a lie. It took me a long time to become the person I wanted to be for you but when I became, you left me. Though I feel sorry but sometimes we don’t show our feelings and I got to know how it would feel when it is too late to share. Forgive me if you are hearing and just ask another chance from heaven so that I will keep you hugging all my life. I know it’s impossible but I have no ways to be happy here after. Though you were one reason for me to live but it has become abstract reality. Your absence is making me more than death and I don’t know how far I will try to live with this pain.”….
The extreme emotion can do anything. It makes any one mad but for me I could do nothing out of madness. If only I was to live without her I could have gone with her but because of child I had to survive carrying this pain so long. I hated the life and my existence. The entire universe was like scary offender .The water, sunlight and dark gave me no sensation. I just focused to a little child playing in luxuries but felt those toys would be forgotten so that her adulthood would be nostalgic. Time lets one accept difficult situation but feelings never dies till our end.
My mind was full of regrets and when everything became short even splendid moment shared after her was incomplete. At that time I thought I will have enough time with her but I was wrong. Though I gave enough love but still then I thought I could give it more but precious thought for her went unshared because I never thought someday she would not be there again.
Your time has already come and I don’t know why. Last thing I heard you were doing just fine. It seems just yesterday I was laughing with you and sharing thing that taught me well didn’t you? Though there is nothing to regret I better be thankful for the moment we had shared but I know you went far away that I can never see you again. Every parts I see has started hurting me and I guess If we think there is anything that we have, that’s ours, like you were to me… it’s nothing but an illusion for a pain. It all disappears in one blow that never comes again to let one feel recover. How lonely things would go is what I am knowing from you. You taught me how to live like a human but you missed me to teach how to live after you which is killing me softly.
I was there for you; afraid of losing the kind of women or wife you were all the time for me, holding on to you so tight that not a soul can touch it. I thought by hiding it from the world, it’s hidden and it would be ours but was nothing. Nothing ever was going to be continued. Nothing ever was living but just a couple of memories that are bitter to think. Though it might be a curse but it shouldn’t have been from your side. I could have accepted the panic if it was within me but losing you has become the panic that I am not able to accept it. Now I am insecure to re-start my lives, I cannot give it up my feelings for you and start it over because my emotion will surely get mixed with new feelings that I would create and that is going to scare me…..
As long as my heart goes beating, I promise I will provide happiness to our daughter as I would do if you were living.
Everything I had dreamed was slipping away but a fact my daughter was living was strength to find my existence. The little girl instantly would relax and simply laid her head on my shoulder, motionless in pure contentment but when I feel her weight I go beyond the touch of tears that I wept aside her. She looked me straight in the eye, and with forcefulness that burned right into my soul, she expressed me something that left me a different person, not only a father but mother to her.
Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Aside the tragedy I had to make living so I started going to office leaving a little baby in child nurturing center with insecurity inside mind. I fill her Tiffin with hamburger and other fruits that she likes. Some time I would send her cakes so that she would share among her friends. Sometimes she used to complain about bigger boys who take away her lunch and I would teach her how to adjust in such situation. Most of the time she had been the last child to wait for her parents to get her and that always pinched me. When I reach her campus she would run towards me with full of tears but she could say nothing. Every time I used to ask her about her learning and she would mix up all the songs and words that creates admiration in my eyes. Sometimes she gets on the table and shows me the dancing steps until she is tired. But every time I was afraid if suddenly she asks me about a mother then I will have difficult time to explain. Therefore, I decided to inform care taker not to let her know what mother means. It was hard time for me with such situation because I felt my fate has become hard on her as she is not going to experience what mother would mean. I knew one day she would realize about it and blame me but I had things to tell her. I knew daddy note will always guide her even in her saddest part.
My little girl,
We must understand that we are separated from God before every beginning. People become choice less and they must try to adapt with it. Like your mother, I have seen no one as beautiful as she did to my eyes. Now I have no choice. I spent childhood with her talking how beautiful would be life if we have daughter but now I am with my daughter and asking you “how would be a life if we had your mother”. The dream has divided us is both wide and deep. When one was gained I lost another and that made my life incomplete.
Incomplete love is an emotional space where feelings are instantly drowned. To know love we have to invest time and commitment but I got no time to prove it. I thought that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss. I used to feel loved and receive the good feeling every time doing nothing. But after knowing the real power of the love I transformed myself to curse a god because he tells lie to a good people. I feel too much things and could not find a way to shut down my brain. Sometimes when I am feeling things, I couldn’t decide exactly what to feel. That was the trouble after all. Life made a mess of the place and even the presence of my daughter.
“Forget it!” I always told myself. I advised myself to be happy with little girl who stretch her arms to hold me. I tried to forgive about my life that had ruined me. During weekends I would plan myself to visit our parents and come with more courage to live like a strong man. Sometimes I would meet my childhood friends in street and they would unknowingly ask me about my wife and looking at my face they would say “did I hurt you” and I would say, “No but a quit uncertain”. Explaining them brings back all the memories that I was trying to forget but I couldn’t escape because they need to know.
One day I was sick and no one was there aside my girl to look after me. I was sleeping on the carpet to cool myself. Little girl was playing with her toys but she disappeared after sometime. I woke up and was trying to see where she went. I reached the door but it was locked from inside. I thought that she went to her room but I heard something in the kitchen and I rushed toward it. Something happen for the first time, I saw maturity and her mother in her. She was trying hard to reach kitchen table. I asked what she was doing and she said, “Papa I want to prepare tea for you”. I said “you can” but my eyes were already full of unstopped tears. I didn’t know why human has to feel too much. I don't want to be the one who says life is beautiful but I wanted to be the one who feels it because every time I was feeling more than life provides. Little girl became something that inspired me after my wife. I thought she is replaced in some extend though joy are never at optimum.
Luckily I felt the growth in my girl and it bounced me to next door of happiness that father could find himself. I was looking on to those chairs, table and home settings that remained as it is. My wife had bought a puppy doll that used to bark till it finishes its charge and still I kept charging but I could feel even artificial machines would be tired. I looked away from window and I saw those willows had grown so wide that it couldn’t give shade to the one who has planted and I was just writing how that tree might have felt
I looked at you when you first put me in the ground and I said to myself “I promise god, I will shade this kind lady”. I felt freshness every day when you watered me. Sometimes you used to murmur about my growth and wish “when will this willow grow taller so that I would spent my tired weekends with coke”. Just now I don’t see you when I am capable of fulfilling your wish. What I see is the stillness of your home. I don’t see someone early in the morning wiping the dust and keeping curtain open. I miss those smells of your room coming to my breath. I used to dance with your music and smile with your care to your husband. You were kind of lady that world must preserve but they paid less for you and made every one lonely. I wish you were there for me so that I would shade you with joy taking the radiation myself. I have no hope all days but what I see is the pain in both human you have left in this home.
“Nature is not always kind and human too”
I felt Contemporary sadness but kind of proud that I could feel the feelings of nature. Life just brought me empty but all chapters were feelings and meaning. The story of my life just became the moral of my life and I just went searching the thing I have never found.
Let all be lost. Let them take away everything. As long as you have your heart beating strong, as long as you have your nostrils working fine, as long as the blood flows in your veins, you will live, you will breathe and you can get it all back… again and again. For, if you can do it once, you can damn well do it again. It’s just a game we play – Life.
By Rohit Wadhwaney
Tragedy happens and we become thrust of pinch inside every nerve but why not people drink water was the thought ruling me. Even if there is courage after drinking in a bar it would not let me speak because there is no one to listen. I thought I can make another chance to live where I would never be in depth of life. I would find pleasure looking just into my own valley that would seem greener if I really find the truth within. Preparing meals and washing clothes like a mom for a little girl. Every sunshine would be meaningful if I find time to clean household and do some gardening that can bear beautiful flower in every season. Going for drive and feed an ice cream to an angel who can occupy me after her. Life will surely be good if I don’t think what had happened and I thought that will give freedom to go ahead. I knew god can never listen even if someone is going to die himself. A sky lies beyond but we see it most and this foot never knows where mind would take. Making a choice is not the best idea but creating ideas will be less hard. I thought we cannot be born several times to change the hardest things in life.
I wanted to forget how I met her in primary school, wanted to erase those beautiful words she had spoken to my ears. I wanted if those touch and intimacy would fade in the wings of time but it was not happening like I imagined. When my daughter comes and closed my eyes from the back I would think if it was her mother but those wish would not be good for a little one if she comes to know. So I decided to look at those dreamy eyes of my girl like I used to see in my wife. Listening her heart beats that one day would look after me and the breath she takes while in her deep sleep would become softer when I am too weak. My mind used to revolve around my room, sometimes taking her diary and read,
Apart of everything in my mind there is something that I cannot say with courage. Women are for that weakness in every love she makes and that becomes the most painful. But look at me it is happening differently and I guess you don’t know that because you came in my life like I was in need of you. I know you fell in love with me and you kept on following my foot print where I was selfish to look at you. It pinches my mind every day because you would say the things that were always in my eyes and I hate that. Most probably I blamed myself because I saw you suffering in each words I said but don’t know why you felt it so good. You tell me that you like to be in pain because there is reason to live but I am too weak to be in pain. I don’t know why tear comes in my eyes when I think about you. When you are far away I just think if I can be in your arm and cry as much as I can and let you know I am also in love with you and may be more than you do. Those times never came and I am just hoping one day life will be easier for both of us because I will marry not other than you which I promised in front of the god. Once it was easy for me to let you go but now even if everyone goes and if you are there for me I can survive completely. I just think I will bring back all the happiness for you because I had let you feel the worst of all my love. I have seen the truth in your eyes that used to confuse me all the time. I may not love the way you expect but I will do from what I understand and I hope you will like it because I will never be selfish even if you go wrong.
There is a reason why I miss you every second. Our distance might be so far but I am in touch with your heartbeats that are missing me. Though time were less those time but it’s me who failed to live completely even when you were trying your best. What to do I was afraid to fall in love with you because I felt I would hurt my parents if I do in such young age. Though I was innocent and stubborn to your feelings but today what I understand is that you were the right one who fell for me. It’s not a joke for me anymore as I have known you more than I knew myself.
Today I am missing you and I do not know what feelings are meant to be. I just feel you were with me hugging me and telling stories of great love.
If I had seen such words I would reply it before and give her courage to all roots of her love. If only I had known that she used to love me when we were far away once then I would have never hurt myself in silence. But god played a good role in my silence to let her fall in love with me even though I never knew it unless after several years. I just used to feel that it was one sided love. Even when I was damn down to earth I used to feel happy and contend for what I considered her. I just met her and felt good to love her. She went away and I loved in distance without any words. This was the time I used to write a letter called “life after you” which is titled with “my first love, whom I call my wife”. It was hardest of time and the best of the wisdom. This period taught me more than anyone could teach me. World was going around all the time giving me the best touch of the days. Living such life with one who let us experience a love is the best surviving I ever found.
I think I will not write it more, because I have not loosed her, she didn’t die and yet I have never seen my daughter because I am not married. I am just trying to know how important she is for me if I lose her. Though I want daughter but I have known myself that even if I have it is not going to fill my happiness. I think a lot about my wife and I don’t know how she does for me so no more fairies because future might become what I have never thought. To be continued,,,,,